


The Pains of Love

by Ulfserkr



Category: Animorphs (TV), Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Animorphs - Freeform, F/M, First Love, Love, Love Confessions, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Sex, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, TobiasxRachel, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26579536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ulfserkr/pseuds/Ulfserkr
Summary: At the end of book 13, The Change, Tobias gains his human morph after the Ellimist fulfils his promise to him. He showed up at Rachel's award ceremony and reveals to her and to Marco and Cassie, at least, that he has his human form partially back.Les Doleurs de L'amour (The Pains of Love) is about the aftermath of that. Almost immediately, Rachel asks him out on a date. It goes in the only direction it probably could go for two eighth-graders in love.
Relationships: Rachel (Animorphs)/Tobias (Animorphs)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	The Pains of Love

Time seemed to stop for several seconds as her eyes met mine. The look gave me was worth it. I watched her as she schooled her reaction, trying not to draw too much attention to herself or to me as she forced herself to walk on. I’d seen it in her eyes, though: she’d wanted nothing more at that moment than to run up and hug me. The elation in her eyes had been on full display. If I was entirely honest, I wanted nothing more than to touch her with my own hands, to feel her face. Maybe more, but I scarcely let myself think it.

Cassie and Marco could all see where she’d stopped after receiving her award and stood looking in my direction. They’d stood up as soon as they’d seen me, looking dazed. It was like for a second they couldn’t understand what they were seeing. Marco was the first to react: He let out a couple of laughs. It wasn’t mean—it was a laugh of happiness and disbelief. Cassie was standing there, her mouth agape. She looked to Rachel who had already gone by before looking back at me.

I was going to have to let them all know that it was just a morph, but why spoil the effect now? This time, remaining a hawk was a choice that I was making every day, every minute. I had the power to become human permanently if I wanted. I was able to pick and choose the parts of being a hawk that I wanted and the parts of being human that I wanted. For me, at this moment, it was the best of both worlds. I needed to reassure them all of that fact—most especially Jake, who saw himself as at least partially responsible for my situation.

She didn’t backtrack to talk to me. She couldn’t without drawing attention to me.

It was a shame that I couldn’t savor the reaction, but that look would always be burned into my mind.

I took off as quickly as I could after that, fading back into the shadows and making the quick walk back to the woods. I transformed back into my hawk form and took to the sky, riding high on the thermals that carried me over the city. I knew where Rachel usually came out of class, so I carefully perched myself in a tree that camouflaged me well enough. Nobody would see me unless they were looking for me.

I heard the bell ring, and I watched for several minutes as students came rushing out of the school like a swarm of ants. It didn’t take long for me to detect a flash of familiar blond hair.

<Hi, Rachel,> I said from my perch. She visibly looked around, automatically looking in the trees. Suddenly, she caught sight of me. <Bingo!> I said, laughing through the connection. <The Ellimist let me have my human morph back.>

I could see the stunned expression on her face.

She came over to the tree and leaned against it, not wanting to give away that she was talking to a hawk or the fact that I was there. Fortunately, none of the other students had really seemed to pay all that much attention to her save for the few guys that turned an eye in her direction.

I gave her the rundown of my encounter with the Ellimist.

She was quiet or several seconds as she seemed to be thinking about something.

“So you can morph human, but you can’t stay for more than two hours?” she asked quietly as she stretched slightly.

<That’s right,> I affirmed.

“And you can morph human at any time?”

I wasn’t sure why she was asking me that. <Yeah,> I said.

There was a pause, as though she seemed to be debating something for a few seconds. Finally, she said, “My mom and sisters are going out later to celebrate with me after school.”

I smiled internally. <I wish I could go.>

She nodded, still hesitating, still holding something back.

<What is it?> I asked.

“Tobias . . . do you wanna come over later tonight? When my mom’s asleep?”

At her words, I felt my stomach do a flip and my heart pound faster.

<Wha-? You mean to hang out?> I stumbled.

She was quiet for a second. “As a date . . .” she said hesitantly.

<As a date?> I repeated.

She nodded lightly. “As a date . . . .”

I felt my heart trembling at the way she trailed off at the end.

“Have you ever been on a date?” she asked.

<No . . . I haven’t.>

“Well, we can probably watch a movie on TV tonight.”

<In your room?>

She hesitated for a moment. “Yeah . . . if that’s alright.”

<So, just watch a movie?> I asked.

She nodded. “And . . . I don’t know . . . maybe more . . .” she trailed.

I felt my chest tighten.

What did she mean by “more”? Did she mean kissing? Did she mean . . . maybe touching? Or did she mean . . . did she mean . . . _more_? It was evident in the way her cheeks blushed that she was most definitely thinking of more; though how much more . . . _that_ was the question. God, I sure hoped I wasn’t misreading her signals. My heart was thundering as scenarios played themselves out in my mind.

<What do you mean . . . _more_?> I asked carefully.

She opened her mouth to speak but then said nothing.

Holy crap! Did she mean . . .?!

There was no way, though!

Right . . . ?

I watched as she slowly shook her head before speaking. “I don’t know,” she said at last. “Don’t worry about it.”

I was totally gonna worry about it.

“It . . .” she started slowly, “it can mean that . . . we’ll figure things out.”

She left it nebulous.

The uncertainty mixed with desire had me more nervous than I wanted to be, so I switched topics and laughed as I said, <So, Rachel . . . you want to be the Sheena to my red-tailed hawk?>

It was _supposed_ to be a joke. I fully expected her to laugh and shake her head. Instead, I saw the corner of her mouth turn up in a crooked smile.

“I could do worse than have a hawk for a boyfriend.”

I was stunned.

She didn’t say no.

She didn’t say no!

No way! That couldn’t be! _This_ couldn’t be! The fact that I—bird-boy Tobias: the unloved, freaky, weird loner kid who’d always been bullied and shuffled around from relative to relative—was actually being considered for boyfriend material . . . it was absurd!

For months since my transformation, Rachel and I had been getting closer. I went over to her place all the time to watch TV with her. We hung out, and we talked about _everything._ She’d confessed to me way before now that she’d always been curious about me. That she thought she was in love with me even then. Somehow this had happened, and I had no idea why. She’d told me things that she never would’ve said to me back then probably because I was a hawk, not a boy. I was safe. She could get into a relationship with me and remain secure in the knowledge that we had no future together. I was her practice boyfriend.

Or was I? Now that she was asking me for real, I had to question what I thought I knew about our relationship. Was I so insecure about myself that I couldn’t trust Rachel’s feelings towards me? Then again, hoping for something good to finally happen in my life was practically taboo. Rachel had been a bright, shining star in a world where I felt like I had nothing to cling to. She was my anchor. And she had suddenly shone herself to be an even brighter guiding star for me than I ever could’ve hoped.

I thought it over some more: Her invitation for this evening, when her mother was asleep, was full of meaning. I could feel it in the way she’d said it. I could feel it in the way that my chest tightened and the way my body felt hot. I wouldn’t be a hawk watching TV with her in her room: I’d be a hawk _who could morph human_ in her room. We’d be a girl and a boy alone together. On a date. And maybe more.

“So, will you come tonight?” she asked again.

Her voice shook me out of my thoughts, and I hesitated nervously. <Alright,> I said at last. <I’ll be there. And for the record . . .> I said, internally gulping at the prospect, <I’m up for . . . whatever you mean by more.>

Her cheeks reddened as she nodded.

A car honked behind us, and I turned to see her mother’s car there waiting for her.

“Rachel!” her mother called, “What’re you doing hiding behind that tree? We’ve been waiting here for you.”

“Be right there!” she called as she picked up her knapsack and took off.

I watched her leave and waited a few minutes before finally taking off myself.

I suddenly felt nervous about what tonight would bring. I knew _better_ than to expect anything tonight! I had no idea what tonight was going to bring . . . but I had a strong feeling that Rachel did. It’d be better to go in with no expectations. Still, the invitation . . . the way she’d delivered it . . . there was something in it. Something more than passing friendship. Even more than just a desire to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

I took to the sky, needing to think about tonight. I at once knew and tried to stave off the gut sense that I had about what tonight could bring. The hawk brain seemed to know exactly what tonight was about, but I . . . I didn’t dare think about it. I was scared and anxious. And hopeful.

I caught the thermals, riding high, and letting my mind be at peace as I flew higher and higher above the city. Absently, I found myself following Rachel’s car. I could see her as she and her mother and her sisters went out for a celebration. She’d told me all about her parents’ divorce and the choice that she’d had to make whether to go with her dad and stay with her mom. I didn’t say anything about the fact that it was a crappy move on her dad’s part to put her in the middle like that. I felt the need to console her then, and I had as much as I could.

Those long nights she spent staying up as late as she dared on a school night and the weekends with me gave me the chance to tell her about my life. She knew me, and I _wanted_ her to know me. I guess part of me was always afraid of telling anybody about the things that bothered me because I hated being pitied. I wasn’t some wounded bird in need of healing. Or, maybe I was, but I wanted people to see me as capable of something. And I wanted Rachel to see me as something. As I turned out, she saw me as something, anyway—wounded and all.

I eventually broke away from following the car and went my own way. I needed to eat, myself, and hunting would at least give me a distraction until tonight. The time it took me to do so felt like it went by in a matter of minutes rather than hours. The sun was setting, and I decided to head over early, while the thermals would still make for good flying even as the light was dying.

My heart was thundering in my chest the whole time. I circled high over her house. Was I fooling myself as to the reason I had gone over earlier rather than later? I felt like I was somehow about to embark on the chance of a lifetime, and I didn’t want to miss my shot. On the other hand, was I being presumptuous? I didn’t think so. And whether . . . whether the evening went the way my human brain was telling me it was going to or not, I knew for a fact that if all we did was hang out watching TV like usual, it’d count as a perfect date in my mind.

I just wanted to be close to her.

I perched in a tree near her house, hidden enough to not be seen, and waited in silence those last few hours.

I took off again eventually and managed to catch a glimpse at the clock on someone’s car radio. It was eight.

My stomach did a flip as I considered asking Rachel if her mom was asleep yet.

Steeling myself, I said, <Is now a good time?>

Why did I sound so _lame_?

I knew she wouldn’t be able to answer me back, but I did see her open up her window.

With grim determination, I circled lower and lower until I was close enough to settle in one of the trees outside her house.

<I’m here,> was all I said.

I watched her come to the window again, looking as nervous as I felt. Somehow, that felt reassuring.

I saw her motion me in. In a matter of seconds, I was perched on her sill.

“My mom’s still up,” she said.

<Well, I mean, we’re just gonna hang out, right?> I said.

My heart was hammering. I’d said the safe thing. The thing that let her know—I hoped—that I wasn’t expecting anything. I had a sense that we both understood the underlying implication of what she’d meant to convey when she invited me over tonight.

See, when she’d invited me over before, I was safe. I was non-threatening. I was a bird, and even if she and I had had sexual feelings for each other, we wouldn’t’ve been able to act on them.

If I’m being honest, I would’ve stopped coming over to her house unless she had invited me again because I knew the potential for anything to happen between us as well as she did. When she reissued her invitation to me that afternoon, she knew that I had become something dangerous. I’d become a teen boy.

And she’d asked me here anyway.

She looked at me expectantly, her blond hair hanging down past her shoulders.

She was waiting for me to morph into the form of the human I had been. She was waiting for me to become Tobias the boy in her presence.

And I did. Slowly.

She watched the whole time, not taking her eyes away through the whole process as I became the kid I had been. It seemed to take forever, but suddenly, there I was, standing in front of her as I had that afternoon.

I didn’t dare breathe for several seconds as the enormity of the situation sank in on me: We were a boy and a girl together, in a darkened room, with only the light of the TV shining on us.

She said nothing as she reached up and caressed my cheek, and I felt myself leaning into her hand.

Her eyes were shining with tears of happiness as she leaned in to give me a tight hug. I felt her tears as they wet my shirt. They weren’t tears of sadness but tears of happiness.

She ran her hands along my cheeks as she felt my face and ran her fingers through my hair.

“This is so wonderful. You’re so beautiful,” she murmured.

I felt my chest tighten. Did she really . . . want me?

Through all her hugging, I still couldn’t believe it that she did.

She went over to lay on her bed and invited me to sit alongside her.

Suddenly we were both nervous, and the tension seemed to break a little.

Now that we were here and the moment of truth had come upon us, I felt like chickening out. I still felt the growling of some kind of prowling tension in the pit of my stomach, but it felt in check. Being with her alone in her room was _definitely_ different from my being in here before, and being on her _bed_ was _very_ different from when I was a hawk.

I swallowed my nervousness and sat next to her on the bed, and we settled in to watch an old movie that was playing on TV.

“So, what’re we watching?” I asked.

“It’s _Morocco_.”

“Who’s in it?”

“Gary Cooper and Marlene Dietrich. They’re the main stars.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. I just remember their names from the credits.”

I’d come in late. The movie must’ve started at eight. At least I hadn’t missed much.

As we lay there watching the movie, about an hour passed. We passed the time in between the commercials talking about my encounter with the Ellimist, going into more detail than I had this afternoon.

Rachel listened quietly as I went into more detail about what it was like meeting myself again.

“It feels like a lifetime ago even though it’s only been a few months,” I said. “I feel . . . like a completely different person.”

She nodded quietly as I talked.

“Did . . . ?” she broke off her question. I wasn’t sure why, but from the look on her face, I could tell that it was something she was either uncomfortable asking me. She didn’t look embarrassed . . . just hesitant.

“Did what?” I prompted.

She let out a quiet sigh before saying something that I think had been on her mind for a long time.

“Did you ever think it was weird how . . . how easy it was for you to go from being human to being a hawk?”

I looked at her, stunned for a second before answering. The movie was playing now, but I didn’t care. I felt the heat of annoyance surface in my chest, but I tried my best to keep it out of my tone.

“It wasn’t easy for me. It never was. What makes you think it was easy?” I asked.

She wasn’t looking at me but staring at the end of her feet, somewhere off in the middle distance, before she answered.

“Maybe easy isn’t the right word . . .” she trailed. “I mean . . . you had a chance to change your life, and you didn’t do it. It’s only been a few months and now . . . it’s like you _chose_ to be a hawk. I know other people . . . people like _me_ . . . would’ve chosen the opposite.”

“Rachel, this is who I am now,” I said, somewhat tersely.

“Right, but just a few months ago, you were completely human. Tobias, it can take people _years_ to change the way you have. To get used to it the way you have. I don’t want to say that it was easy for you—that’s not the right word. But you became the person you are now a lot faster than other people have. You’re comfortable enough with who you are now to have actually chosen this life again when you had the chance to step away, and I’m just saying . . . Tobias, other people can’t change their lives around that easily. So . . . that’s what I mean: How? How did you do it?”

<Well what was I supposed to do? My reality changed drastically, Rachel!> I said, switching to thought-speak. I didn’t mean to sound as harsh as I thought I was, but I was feeling defensive. <Living as a hawk is do or die. I didn’t have the luxury of taking the time to prepare myself; it just happened. I _had_ to adapt, or it would’ve meant dying in the woods.>

“And you decided to put yourself through that again,” she pointed out.

<Rachel, you’re right,> I finally said as I lost my cool, <people like you probably _would’ve_ had a harder time transitioning to this life than I had, but that’s because you had more to lose than I did! You’re leading a life that the kids at school are jealous of—that _I_ was jealous of. You’d’ve missed the life you have now because you have so much already. What did I have? What personality did I have back then? I was a nobody! Nobody even knows that I’m missing! There’s nothing in the news about a missing kid! I could be dead now, and nobody would’ve noticed.>

I hadn’t realized it, but I was crying.

<I really could’ve died, and nobody would’ve noticed. So yeah, I had an easier time transitioning to the life I have now, but that’s because I had nothing to miss and nobody to miss me. Just some kid that no one ever noticed.>

Rachel listened to my bitterness. It was the first time I’d ever really said anything about it. She took my anger—some of it even directed at her—and held onto it.

She took my hand.

I looked over at her. “No one noticed me then, Rachel,” I said weakly.

She rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand.

“I noticed you,” she said quietly as she looked up into my eyes.

“You didn’t,” I smirked. But I could see the sincerity in her eyes.

“Yeah, I did. And I was crushing on you even then.”

Suddenly, I was hyper-aware of her proximity to me, the way her shoulder pressed against mine, the way her legs were skin to skin with mine. I could feel the tension which had faded away earlier come rising back.

Then she did something unexpected: she leaned over, and she kissed me.

I had my eyes open, and it was just a soft peck on my lips, but it was there nonetheless. We looked into each other’s eyes before closing the distance and kissing again.

At some point, I took a moment to demorph and morph back before hopping back into bed.

The movie went on, and the night grew darker, but we continued our make-out session. Our innocent kisses had grown into something else. Our practice had trained us. She ran a hand over my chest, just gently petting me along the side of my torso. It was a simple act that had a sense of want flooding through me. The truly daring part was when she slid that hand under my shirt to feel the bare skin of my chest and abs. I jumped back slightly, and I looked over at her to find her staring back at me.

“Is this okay?” she asked.

It took my brain a second to process what she’d said. I swallowed thickly and nodded. “Yeah . . . that’s okay.”

She continued caressing me, slowly sliding my shirt up and up, going up slowly by degrees. I knew she was eventually angling to get my shirt off and was testing the waters.

“Rachel . . .” I asked between kisses, “Rachel . . . how far . . . ?”

“I don’t know . . .” she whispered, “I’m just . . . I’m scared . . . but I feel safe with you.”

She continued caressing my chest and my back beneath my shirt. I don’t know why I hesitated, but I did for a few minutes before finally sitting up and pulling my shirt off. I laid back down as she continued to run her hand up and down my body. My heart was pounding, and I closed my eyes just to focus on the way she touched me.

I took the time to place my hand on her waist as we continued. I felt her take my hand and place it on the bare skin beneath her nightshirt.

I froze. I understood that this was an invitation to touch her, but _where?_

She took my hand and guided it up her shirt to touch her breast before bringing her hand to my head as our lips met again.

Oh, god . . . .

I felt myself harden almost instantly as a carefully played with her breast.

I relaxed for a moment into our routine before feeling her stop what she was doing. She sat up, and I took my hand off her chest. I heard a bit of shuffling before opening my eyes to see that she had removed her pajama top.

I felt as though I’d been punched in the chest as I saw her bare breasts on full display.

I looked from her chest to her eyes and saw them staring straight back at me.

“Do you wanna touch them?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

I’d said the words, but I didn’t move, so she reached a hand and slowly brought it to her bare breast. I gently held it, running my fingers over it, hefting it.

Her skin was so smooth, it was amazing! I saw her looking at me as she reached forward and continued to run her hands up and down my chest.

It took me a while to notice that Rachel had noticed that I’d gotten hard. Bike shorts didn’t hide much.

The TV was playing in the background, but neither of us were paying attention as we dove back into our make-out session. She ran her hand over my belly and started playing with the hairs around my navel and following the rabbit trail down to the waistband of my shorts before she’d stop and go back up. I opened my eyes to find her looking down at me. Following her gaze, I saw she was looking at the tent in my shorts.

She kept eyeing it, and the more she looked the harder I got. The hand that had been exploring my body eventually ran lower and lower. She followed my rabbit trail down, but this time didn’t stop. I felt her caress my crotch over my shorts before actually gripping me through the material.

I jumped again, breaking off our kiss as I looked at her, her gaze intent as she looked down at me.

I don’t know why she didn’t ask to touch me there. Probably because she was embarrassed to ask. If she _had_ asked, though, I would’ve said . . . I don’t know what I would’ve said. I saw the way her cheeks blushed before she turned her gaze from my cock to my eyes and found me already looking at her.

“Um . . . is this okay?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yeah . . .” I said shakily. “It’s fine.”

“Is there . . . I mean . . . is there a way that guys . . . do this?” she asked.

Oh god . . . was this actually happening?! Was I actually gonna let her do this?!

I gulped and nodded as I silently reached down to grab her hand. I showed her how to grip me and slowly run her hand up and down my length over my shorts. There was a click as the TV turned off, and I saw her replacing the remote on her nightstand.

The absence of light cast us in near pitch darkness for a moment before our eyes adjusted, the only source of light coming from her open window and the bright stars that shone outside. We were silent as she continued to rub me, eventually getting brave and running her hand inside my shorts, feeling my hard flesh directly and gently running her thumb over my skin at the top before she started to jack me off.

Startled, I again jumped before she eased me as she started caressing my bare chest.

What on earth was happening?

I closed my eyes and let out a moan as she continued to stroke me.

“Y-you sure this isn’t t-to fast?” I asked as she continued. It definitely felt as though we were crossing some lines, here.

My breathing trembled as pleasure thrummed through me. My eyes flashed open to look down at my short as her hand moved up and down my dick. I closed my eyes for a bit before I opened them to look over at her. She was intent as she gazed at my cock—or what she could through my shorts. She took a moment to readjust her grip, and I took that opportunity to raise my hips and slide my shorts further down. It was then that she caught sight of my dick for the first time.

I nervously looked over at her only to see her smiling at me. The look, for whatever reason, filled me with confidence.

“What?” I asked, somewhat daringly.

She gave me a peck on the lips. “Looks dangerous,” she smirked.

“I don’t know why, but that feels like an understatement,” I said. I felt like the waters we were treading now were extraordinarily perilous.

Then she did something unexpected. She took my hand and had me slide it down her pajama bottoms.

I couldn’t breathe.

I was audibly gulping as she showed me with her fingers, letting me feel in between her legs. Her fingers guided mine to the larger hole before pressing my palm against her mound and showed me how to grind it around in a circle. I dipped two fingers into her hole and allowed her to buck against my palm as I tried to increase her pleasure by grinding.

It was the most amazing moment of my life as I watched her eyes close and her mouth drop open. She resumed stroking me, and we looked into each other’s eyes as we gave each other pleasure. I kissed the corner of her mouth before capturing her lips in a soft kiss.

I was acting on instinct now as I continued what I was doing. Really, I was just following her lead as she all but showed me what to do.

<Am I doing it right?> I asked in her mind. I had to be sure.

I saw her nod as she stifled a moan.

<Rachel . . . you can stop at any time. You don’t have to make me cum,> I said in her mind.

With both of us now giving each other pleasure, the sensuality of the experience became more pronounced. I was at the edge in a matter of seconds before I whispered, “R-Rachel . . . I . . . I th-think I’m gonna c-cum . . . .”

I was sure she heard me but she didn’t seem to care as she continued stroking me.

I let out a ragged breath as I felt myself reach the end.

I closed my eyes tight and grit my teeth as my breath tore out of me: I bucked my hips up as I felt myself shoot. My cock gently throbbed in her hand as she caught my cum in her hand and my lip trembled.

It was then that her bucking against my hand came faster, and I started grinding harder with my palm. In a matter of moments, she was cumming on my fingers as she stifled a cry into my shoulder.

I continued to press hard against her mound, trying to prolong her pleasure as long as I could. Her orgasm lasted longer than mine, and I watched her with desire as she continued to rock against me with abandon.

After a few moments, we each took a moment to catch our breaths.

I turned to get off the bed after pulling my hand out of Rachel’s folds. I stood up and felt my shorts fall down my legs as I reached down for my shirt and wiped my hand on it.

I turned and watched her wipe my cum on her pajama bottoms as she kicked them off, leaving her completely naked as she tossed them into the hamper near her closet.

I was still semi-hard, my dick standing straight out but looking like it was on the way deflating. When I looked at Rachel’s eyes, though, the look she was giving me had me hardening again. She looked like she wanted me. I felt a fluttering in my chest as she smiled at me and reached out her hand.

I smirked shyly as I took it.

We gazed at each other for what felt like minutes. I was feeling breathless at the sight of her, completely nude and staring at me with her kind eyes. She was so gentle with me now. Such a contrast to how she was on the battlefield. A warrior princess. And she wanted me.

It felt so good to be wanted.

“Tobias . . . do you wanna try sex?” she asked. She seemed hesitant. She didn’t want to push me. I could see that clearly.

My brain blanked for a moment. “Uh . . . I . . . .”

Everything in me wanted to say yes, but again: were we moving too fast?

Was I feeling regret for what we’d just done?

I looked at her carefully, staring into her gorgeous blue eyes, and realized in an instant that my answer was no. This wasn’t too fast. This night—what we were doing now—was the culmination of months of spending time together. Of trusting each other. Of late-night conversations and shared feelings. Of commiseration and mutual understanding. We already loved each other. Anybody who said kids couldn’t feel this kind of love were wrong. Maybe it wasn’t adult love, or maybe it wasn’t real love.

But I had been a hawk. I had felt my hawk brain contemplate female hawks for mating. This was different. The hawk couldn’t feel love. I knew what I was feeling for Rachel, though. It was love. I loved her. And tonight was the night for us to act on the intimate tension that had been building in us since we started getting closer. This may be our first official date, but in reality, this “date” was the first time that either of us had been able to dream of any kind of future for the both of us.

I realized that I hadn’t answered when she spoke again.

“Maybe just a little bit?” she suggested. She was looking more hesitant now. I suspected that she was retreating, fearing that my non-answer meant I was uncomfortable.

I had to say something. She hadn’t misread me at all, and I had to make sure she knew that. “I don’t know, uh . . . maybe just the tip? So we could see how it feels?” I suggested. I didn’t want to rush her into anything, either.

I was very careful and reserved even though I _really_ wanted to do this. We’d seen each other at our most vulnerable, and it felt as though we’d turned a page. I had been nervous because I’d never done this before and I didn’t know what the boundaries were. Now I knew: There weren’t any. All either of us would have to do is ask. The only potential barrier was whether we personally felt up to it, and even then it wouldn’t constitute an outright rejection.

I thought about this as I stepped in between her legs which were hanging off the bed. My cock glanced off her mound and glided along her lower abdomen.

“Rachel . . .” I whispered, <are you sure we should go through with this . . . with _me_?> I finished in thought-speak, not wanting to get caught. I still felt like it was all some dream: like she couldn’t possibly want me.

“Do you want to?” she whispered.

I was starting to feel nervous again when, at that moment, Rachel reached down between us and grabbed my dick. A breath shuddered out of me as she slowly guided it down.

I stepped back to give myself some room as she brought my cock to the opening of her pussy before laying back on the bed.

I looked over her body, the way her gorgeous form was stretched out for me, and I felt a sudden shot of lust course through my veins.

Okay, so yeah, it was definitely the horniness that was affecting me right now and breaking through my natural shyness.

I reached down between us to feel for the entrance to her pussy again. I found it with my fingers and spread it open slightly to knock the head of my cock there. I tore my gaze away from what I was doing to watch her and found her staring at me intently, her chest heaving.

Oh my god, I was actually going to do this!

I looked back down between us and heard her say, “Go in slow.”

Without even looking at her, I nodded as I pushed my hips forward slowly and felt with amazement as the head of my cock pushed apart the walls of her pussy. She was hot and wet. Not just warm, it felt _hot._ I let out a shuddering breath as I pushed forward and felt the tension as the angle at which I was pushing into her caused my cock to kind of bow into her.

I pulled back slightly and just moved the head in and out of her a little bit. Okay, yeah, I didn’t care if we were going too fast any more. This felt absolutely amazing!

I let out a shuddering breath as I arched my head toward the ceiling for a second before looking back down at her. I wanted to feel _all_ of her!

I went slowly as she’d requested. I just looked down between us in a kind of wonder and watched as I lost my virginity to her, millimeter by millimeter. My breathing shuddered as I feel the creases of her walls glide over my dick.

“Oh, god!” I whispered tightly. <Oh, god, Rachel!> I said, switching back to thought-speak. <You feel so good!> I was visibly panting over her as I continued.

Her fists were gripping the sheets as she tried to stifle her moans as I continued forward.

At last, I was in all the way, and I looked at Rachel and asked, <Are you okay?>

She nodded.

<Did I go slow enough?>

She nodded again. I could see her face clearly in the starlight that shone through her window.

“T-Tobias . . . you feel good,” she whispered breathlessly.

I nodded carefully.

“You can move now,” she said, “but just go slow, okay?”

I nodded as I took one or two practice thrusts. She felt wet, but she wasn’t that wet, and the going wasn’t entirely smooth. I remember being told that a girl’s first time always hurt. It seemed like that could all be avoided if the guy just went slow enough. But then again, why assume that I’d done a good job?

<Hey, Rachel?> I asked, <Does it hurt?>

She shook her head but shook it hesitantly. Not good enough!

<Rachel, if it hurts, promise you’ll tell me. I don’t want this to hurt for you.>

It seemed so unfair: I was awash in pleasure while she was hurting? I didn’t care if it was only a little bit: I wanted us _both_ to like this!

I started to pull out slowly, carefully, watching her face as I did. She’d been wet before, but my dick had absorbed all of that—I could feel it.

I looked around. Was there something that could make it wetter? Like maybe some kind of lotion or something?

I saw her reach for her nightstand as I finally fully withdrew. She pulled out a tube of something.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s a . . . well, it’s lube. It makes it slicker.”

She sounded embarrassed, so I only nodded and watched as she put some in her hands and proceeded to rub it on my cock. When she was done, she put the tube back and grabbed her pajama top and wiped her hand off on it before tossing it away.

“So much for just the tip, huh?” she asked wryly.

<I couldn’t help it,> I laughed. <It felt . . . _really_ good.>

She only smiled back as she scooched back and lay flat on the bed again.

For the second time, I looked down between us and felt for her opening and focused on going slow still. It was slippery this time, and felt the head of my cock pop in easily, feeling slick with the stuff she’d rubbed on me.

The going was much easier this time, and despite her having told me to go slow, I felt myself sinking into her faster and easier this time. I watched her face the entire time, and the way her breath shuddered with pleasure gave me the confidence to keep going. My legs started to shudder, and I started to understand that it might be easier to lay on top of her but decided against it and kept my feet planted on the ground. I liked this full view of her.

She still felt hot. I don’t know what it was, but the ease with which I was able to slide into her somehow made me feel even sexier. Once again, I hilted myself, feeling the head of my cock touch the depths of her core, and it felt amazing filling her. I couldn’t help what I did next: I started slowly sawing in and out of her. I lowered my upper body over hers and took the weight on my wrists as I did so, looking down between us as I continued, wanting to watch myself move in and out of her.

I’d wanted to feel her all around me. I’d wanted to know what she felt like from the inside. And now I did, relishing the sensation as the head of my cock explored her folds. The feeling was breathtaking!

<God, Rachel! You feel so good!> A shuddering breath tore from my lips as I looked at Rachel to make sure she was okay.

Rachel had her eyes closed and her mouth open. As I slowed my thrusting, she finally found her voice. “Tobias, d-don’t stop!” she whispered.

I nodded and looked back down as I watched my shaft appear and disappear inside her as I moved in and out of her, gaining a bit of speed. I felt transfixed and fascinated as I watched myself take her again and again.

<Rachel . . .> I sighed as I let out a grunt with my mouth. I felt so undignified—so out of control! I couldn’t help the sensations that were coursing through me as I closed my eyes and covered her body with mine, my legs awkwardly hanging off the side of the bed. I held myself slightly over her on my forearms, cradling her I thrust into her. She was so precious to me! I wanted to cherish her at this moment, now and forever.

I shifted so I was at an angle off the bed, my feet not quite touching the floor. I looked down between us and let out a ragged breath as I pulled out and started thrusting just the head of my cock in and out of her, feeling a sense of wonder wash over me as the sensation of thrusting just in and out of her body gave me the most incredible pleasure before taking the occasional dip into the depth of her heat.

I did that a little bit before I naturally began to feel my body gaining more speed as I started making deep thrusts that barely pulled out. It wasn’t too long, maybe a couple of minutes, but at the end of those two minutes, my breath was tearing out of me, shuddering as it left my lungs. It was too much! It was too much, and not enough! Her moans of pleasure were filling my ears, reassuring me that she needed me to continue.

My arms instinctively curled around her shoulders, pulling her to me as I felt her body mold against mine.

My feet were kicking to find some traction until they found the floor. I pushed on the balls of my feet as my thrusting continued.

I needed this! I needed her more than I ever needed anything in the world! Just having her here with me like this was everything I ever could’ve wanted.

The tension in my cock became unbearable as the sensation of her walls all around me made for the most surreal sensation—just the miracle of being inside her! I couldn’t believe that I was filling her, holding her, having her! Her arms were around me as gasps tore from her throat. _I_ was making her feel that way! It was so beautiful! I wanted to make her feel more of that.

The sum of these sensations crystalized in the pit of my stomach. I felt it rise within me, bubbling up inside of me as I gasped.

I arched my back as I continued driving into her, watching her face and body reacting to what I was doing and I could _feel_ it then as my jaw gaped open in a groan.

“Tobias . . . Tobias . . . .” she cooed, whispering my name over again. “Tobias . . . Tobias . . . .”

I wanted her so bad, and hearing her say my name, like she wanted me inside her doing what I was doing to her, made me feel wanted on every level.

I’d never felt so loved!

“Keep saying my name like that,” I begged. “Please . . . .” I needed her to reassure me that I was capable of something beautiful, that I was able to give the girl I loved pleasure. It would mean that I had done something good for someone I loved, and I wanted to be good for her. I wanted her to know that I loved her, and I hoped that my actions were showing her that.

She kept murmuring my name as I continued to thrust. I wasn’t taking any real care anymore; I only had one goal: To reach the finish line.

She clung to me, my name a prayer on her lips as the intense waves of pleasure intensified. I could feel the tension in my cock reaching its climax.

Ah, _god_! I was gonna cum!

I started trying to slow down. I wanted us to cum together, but Rachel had other ideas and started bucking against me, hard, pulling a groan from my lips as the pleasure swept through me, moaning, not wanting to stop.

But we had to! I was too close, and I wanted her to finish with me! I had to warn her!

<Wait, wait, wait!> I shouted in her mind.

Rachel didn’t seem to get what was happening to me as she wrapped her legs around me to pull me further in.

Oh crap!

I was almost beyond reason and thought, and I tried to pull out of her! A knot formed in my stomach as I felt myself dissolving into her.

Through the mental link we shared, I felt thoughts, feelings, and sensations flood into her mind in a jumble. I felt a hot flash as she did the same as she poured her sensations into me. I could _feel_ what she was feeling! And I knew she could feel the same! What had I done?!

I arched my back and gasped as I tilted my head toward the ceiling. Panting— _panting!—_ at the sensation as her hips bucked up against me. Being inside her was incredible! A lust like I had never felt it before tore apart my reason as I saw myself through her eyes. She already knew I was about to cum! She wanted to see it happen. I looked at the perfect canvas of her body, her perfect breasts, the way her blond hair splayed out around her, the way she called my name . . . . She could feel everything I was feeling, and she wanted me anyway! She wanted to watch me get off.

I was at the edge in seconds. Through the link, I saw myself over her, arched up and ready to cum. She let me feel just how erotic the image was to her. I could feel what she felt as I was thrusting into her, and I knew that she wanted me to finish inside her.

I stilled my movements and looked down between us, my shaft was halfway out, and I let out a shuddering breath. At that moment, Rachel thrust her hips up, sinking my shaft all the way into her.

Too much! Oh, God!

<Nonono!>

Pleasure bolted through my cock like lightning as I felt myself erupt in white heat within her hot core. I saw my shaft begin to pulse as intense pleasure washed over me from head to toe. An involuntary shout of pleasure tore from my throat as I lost control, ecstasy shuddering through me. It spread like wildfire all through my chest and torso, tingling up my spine as I spilled inside her. I wanted her—I wanted this! I clenched my eyes shut, stifling my shouts and gripping her hips as the intense pleasure tore through me.

I left the connection open, wanting her to feel everything that I was feeling as I lurched inside her. I heard her squeak beneath me, whimpering as my orgasm became ours. The pleasure redoubled when I felt her walls clenching around me as she came.

The pleasure hit me through the link with such force that it left me weak! My legs buckled and I fell over her, trying my best to catch myself on my hands and forearms, my dick sliding the rest of the way into her as I continued to pulse. Our mutual pleasure formed a feedback loop, intensifying the sensation as she gave me back everything I was giving to her.

She locked me in a kiss as I clutched her to me, my breath huffing intensely through my nose as I poured all my pleasure, love, and care for her into her mind. I felt on top of the world! I felt elation and freedom! I never in my life did I ever think that I’d be able to be as happy as I was at that moment. More than anything, I felt her love shining through that bond.

This was a connection that was being forged in fire, the raw intensity sealing us together in a way I couldn’t explain. She started caressing my back, and I let her feel what a comfort that was to me. She just held me as our pleasure subsided and we lay there breathlessly as the mental link dissipated.

“Rachel . . .” I murmured quietly.

She was smiling at me, and I felt the sunrise in my chest at the way she looked at me. I couldn’t help it: I started laughing. So did she as she wrapped her arms around me.

I pulled out of her and stood back up on shaky legs and watched as she maneuvered herself to lay on the bed lengthwise. I wiped myself off on my shorts before hopping back into bed with her. She pulled the sheets over us both. It was so comforting, just being under those covers with her. The hawk in me was screeching for freedom, but his cries were temporarily drowned out by the utter joy I felt at having this proximity to someone I loved. I just held her and looked at her as she ran her fingers through my hair.

She’d felt everything. She’d seen and felt me, both emotionally and physically. She knew how much I cared about her. She knew how much being with her that way made me feel. How happy it felt to hold her this way, this special way that was just for us.

“Tobias . . .” she started carefully, “was it always that hard for you? Didn’t anyone ever make you feel seen?”

My smile faded, but the afterglow lingered. I was feeling relaxed enough to answer.

<Not really,> I started. <But there was a woman, when I was a lot younger, who made me feel special. She was nice to me. The closest thing to a true friend that I ever had.>

“What about Jake and the rest of us?” she asked.

<I think you already know that _you’re_ different,> he said. <But Jake . . . Marco . . . even Cassie, none of them really knew me. I mean, even _you_ didn’t know me back then, even if you noticed me. I followed Jake around because he’d helped me out way back. I’m pretty sure that I never amounted to much of anything then. Just some loner kid following him around. I never would’ve made it as part of his inner circle.>

“Tobias, you have to stop undervaluing yourself,” she said.

<I’m not,> I replied. <I know who I was back then. I know who I am now. I was disposable then, Rachel. And even to this day, to this hour, I’m still disposable. Until today or last night, I wasn’t an asset to the team at all.>

“Tobias, you’d saved us before!” she said, sitting up.

I sat there for a moment. Maybe now wasn’t the time to have a pity party for myself but honestly, I didn’t think I was pitying myself. I thought I was being realistic about my contributions to the group. The fact of that matter is that aside from my scouting, and my bringing of information to the group, my ability to contribute to the group _had_ been limited.

Rachel was different because she saw me as having inherent value. In an ideal world, maybe everybody would see each other that way. But for me, that was only true with Rachel. It was a sad reality, but the truth was that in the real world, outside of Rachel’s arms and her house, what made me valuable was what I could do for other people. I was a soldier. I was fodder.

I nodded hesitantly.

Suddenly, Rachel was over me, her hands threading through my hair as she cradled my face with both hands.

“Someday, Tobias, I will make you see just how beautiful you really are.”

I took her hands in mine as she brought down her face over mine.

I prayed someday that I would.

**Author's Note:**

> I fucking hated the last book of the Animorphs series most especially for its cliffhanger. The death of Rachel is something I didn't like but I probably could've dealt with if it hadn't ended on a cliffhanger.
> 
> In order to help heal that wound, I decided to cure that desire for a relationship between Rachel and Tobias by giving them a bit of fluff here. Hope you all enjoy it! I tried to stay true to the characters as much as I could. I really hope I succeeded.


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